Any cyclist who commutes more than five miles to work has to answer one very important question:

How bad do I stink?

I don’t mean stink in the, “Man, Tiger Woods really stinks at monogamy” sort of way. I mean the, “Dude are you carrying around rotting onions and a squid carcass in your jersey because that really stinks” way.

Some people have a general issue with body odor. To them I have to say that modern civilization has advanced leaps and bounds in the personal hygiene department. There are products available now that will actually clean your body. For the most part these products are not poisonous nor will they be detrimental to your health. So please, for the betterment of society as a whole, give these products a shot.

Now, for the rest of us who manage to take advantage of these negative-odor-destroying-products on a daily basis, there are times when we too sometimes stink. For some of us, it’s usually after we get done taking part in some sort of extended, sweat inducing physical exertion. For others, it could be after a long night of binging on asparagus, fried goat cheese and onion sandwiches. Or for others still, it could be after a long night of binging on asparagus, fried goat cheese and onion sandwiches and then immediately doing some extended, sweat inducing physical exertion. Whatever the case may be, the general recommendation is showering immediately after.

Showering is easily the main obstacle to overcome when considering using your bicycle to get to work. When you burn calories instead of gasoline you emit sweat instead of carbon dioxide. Carbon dioxide is potentially lethal in large doses and harmful to the environment. Large doses of sweat is merely offensive to your co-workers noses and stings horribly bad when it runs into your eyes.

If you’re fortunate enough to work in a place that has a shower then this is no problem. The rest of us, however, are forced to find other methods of removing foulness. Luckily for me, I work down the street from a year round public pool. While using a public pool’s facilities as a clean up station makes sense, using the public pool water from the kiddie pool to shampoo your hair does not. I, nor the City of Tucson, recommend doing that. I do however, recommend using their locker room and showeringfacilities to clean up and change into your appropriate work attire.

The ARC

The public pool I use has some very fine amenities. And for a very small fee you can pay to have a year pass to access these amenities year round. There are very clean bathrooms, multiple multiple showers, sinks:

Classy

lockers:

Yellow-ee

and, of course, the underwear thieves. That’s right, I said underwear thieves. More than likely this is the preferred mode of transportation:

light speed

I’m not sure what the black market value is of gently used Fruit of the Loom boxer-briefs, but I’m sure I’d pay the 3-pack retail value to have them back. It’s not that I really mind “going commando” when I have to, and I’m no doctor but considering that my undercarriage spends a large chunk of time tightly cradled in spandex bibs as it is, I feel like I probably should free them once in a while.

My main problem with the situation I was presented with is that while even though cotton is no cushy chamois, it is another layer between my man bits and a rock hard saddle. And even though my work was merely a mile away, that mile, (like many miles in Tucson) is a neglected, cracked, pothole and loose gravel ridden road. Any extra layer of protection on my sensitive areas would be much appreciated.

To be honest, I’m sure that it was unintentional. I laid my very generic undergarment out within proximity of someone else’s backpack. He probably mistook them for his while he was changing and made off with them without even knowing. I actually feel bad for the guy. The problem with unintentionally stealing someone’s underwear, is that you accidentally handle a garment who’s sole purpose is to cradle someone’s special place. I would imagine that no man would be comfortable with accidentally handling this area regardless of sexual orientation.

What’s worse, he could’ve actually put them on. That could potentially lead to some serious psychological damage. If he has indeed walked out with them on, I would like him to know that they are freshly washed and Downy soft. I’m sure that any traces of a “human element” in said underwear has been completely removed and there is no reason to panic.

Cycling to work is lots of fun. It wakes you up. You show up to work refreshed and ready for the day. You’re energy level is higher throughout the day. And you get a good workout in early.

I’ve been commuting by bike for about 8 months now. The key to doing it well is learning to adapt. It may be calm and sunny on the way to work, and one heck of a Thunderstorm on the way home. Your usual route with that awesome bike lane may get dug up and there will be construction on it for the next 10 years, (Hey, this is Tucson). You may get caught in a head-wind… from every direction. As my ex-military and fellow cyclist buddy says, “adapt and overcome is the key to survival”… and the willingness to go commando once in a while.